OFFICE JOBS!

Funny news. So, there's this woman at my work, H____, but my friends and I call her "Popcorn." Do let me explain! So, it's the first day of work on the floor, after training. It's Friday. People are freakin' out, riding motorized scooters/segways and shooting Nerf guns all over. I'm thinking, This is one hell-of-a crazy place. Everybody's workin' for the weekend! It's true! Anyway, so these Nerf darts are flying and zooming all over the office, and all of a sudden there's a shriek, followed by a "WHAT THE FUCK?!" and an "Alright! Who hit my FUCKING ear?! That FUCKING hurt!!" Repeat, repeat and repeat the unnecessary loud vulgarities. Well, if you didn't guess. Someone hit H_____ Popcorn in the ear with a Nerf dart. People are tittering, whispering and giggling in their cubes around the floor. I'm shocked. Remember, it's my first-ish day with these people. I'm thinking, What the hell is wrong with my co-workers? A few minutes after the incident I have to ask my team lead a question and I mention this woman's outburst. She says, "Oh yeah, her" knowingly. Apparently this H_____ Popcorn is a troublemaker. Alright, so comes in the Popcorn part. Next Monday,one of my buddies, TJ, was recounting the story to someone who was OOO (out-of-office) Friday and he didn't want to keep sayin' "fuck" because he wasn't sure about this co-workers vulgarities tolerance so he implanted "Popcorn" to fill, thus Ms. H____ became "Popcorn" -- for that reason, and also I didn't care to know her real name which would result in making her seem human.


Fast forward to yesterday. I drank a lot of coffee so naturally, I needed to relieve myself. I walk into the bathroom startled to find that I woke Popcorn from her little cat nap on the couch. She jolts up and groggily rubs her eyes. Apparently she'd been there for a while because her hair was matted down and she seemed discombobulated. I just think, What a weirdo, and go about my business. Then, this morning, Amber comes up to me and she says, "Did you happen to see H_____ sleeping on the couch in the bathroom yesterday?" And I said, "Yeah! That was weird." And Amber said, "Yeah, I know, right? She's fired!" And I said, "What!? No way!" and she said, "She's done it at least two times before." And I said, "That's crazy!" And Amber said, "You know what else is crazy?"And then she proceeded to tell me a story about when she first started here. Everyone was going through training together, and in order to get to know each other better, each employee was asked to share a funny/embarrassing story. So everyone's talking about their puppies, or families, or vacations they took or whatever, and it comes to be Popcorn's turn. Can you guess what she said? Well, here. Do you remember those Tylenol killings back in the 80s? Popcorn stated she dated one of the suspected men. But he didn't do it! He didn't kill anybody with Tylenol, he only killed the guy who turned him in. WHAT?!?! What?!? Excuse me?!? She's either lying or telling the truth, but both make me scratch my head searching for a reason to share. Did this company not have an interview/screening process in the beginning before it hired anyone?! They should've fired her right then and there if you ask me! But then again, I'm a little sad to see her gone. She was a mysterious, strangely fascinating creature. Like a car pile-up wreck, everyday another car or semi would smash into the already huge pile of debris and disbelief. Another thing bizarre, I guess she would sometimes stay in the office past midnight (the cleaning lady told my cube mate)... don't ask me why or what she did. I don't know and I don't care to. Hmm. So, how about that?!

Oh, and let me also mention that this is the woman who spends most of her days on the telephone, taking personal calls. These are usually from her 53-year-old boyfriend who is a recovering alcoholic that drinks a 1/5th of vodka a day. I'm not judging. I'm just sayin'. They are also very loud, as if she wants everyone in the office to hear her... and she sounds like my step grandmother, which I didn't enjoy. Oh wow! I just remembered, one day her phone rang and it was a personal call from her boyfriend Chuck, or something, I was rushing to get my earphones in and before I slipped them in, I heard her mention something about wet dreams being romantic. I threw up in my mouth a little. This woman!