Taken from my journal, entry January 2, 2009. After much debate - and some editing - I've decided
why not on posting this... it's how I feel, why not expose this blog for the vessel that it is, a throwing of my thoughts into your face. POW! Coming at you....
Wow. I'm seeming desperate for a relationship. I am. It's time? Well, this entry/blurb isn't going to
dissipate my desperation anymore. From the end of "2 Days in Paris" I've quoted before and I'm sure I will again:
"When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I hear the whole thing. Here it is; one more, one less. Another wasted love story... then we'll slowly begin to think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely, almost. Always the same with me: break up, break down, drink up, fool around, meet one guy, then another, fuck around to forget the one and only - then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love. Desperately look everywhere. After two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one - until that one is gone as well..."Love is sad,Love is blind-ing.Love is stupid,Love is whining:Nagging at my door, telling me to look in places I never have before.One impossibility after another.Fail, fail again and again -I say I don't care,Don't need the affection or truth, but it's only armour.Be kind.Apparently unrequited "love" calls on me to be a sloppy poet.
It's a bad idea to write at night (I transcribe this as the clock nears eleven in the... evening), getting the mind working and the creative juices flowing before bed - a good night's sleep comes roughly. Too many thoughts fill one's head with dread as the pen in hand doesn't scribble fast enough before they all become dead never to be though of again the reality shatters the illusion of brilliance and the truth stored in one's soul. --What is this crap that I'm writing [and typing]? And I think I can make my living at this. Yes, think. That seems to be all. But, alas. A writer must write; must read; must practice the craft loved and hone it to
digestibility.
What is life? (Yeah, I went there!) Day after day. The scenery, faces and words may change, but it's always the same. No matter how many times I vow it will be different,
this time, it never is. I don't mean to be depressing, I'm just noting an observation. Life is good! I'm happy in mine, although sometimes overwhelmed at the helm. It's also scary - and exciting. It depends on how you interpret it. Does it? Are we wired to feel and experience one way or another our entire life? Can we ever change? Will we ever change? We may not do/say something any more, but do the thoughts and feelings ever leave our minds? We store it all; every word exchanged, every glance stolen, every thought unspoken - they fall some place within us to remind, for what's sake?
I take it back: There are certain degrees of evolution - things and people and places can change us (nouns are wonderful). In the moment we are stuck and it isn't until the future that we see how foolish we were; hindsight is 20/20. Everything is easier to change
after you realize the mistake made. But most of it happens too late; no clock turns back. Shake your head, promise not to do it again, and walk on. Forward. Always going forward. As machines that's what we do; advance. Into the future. The light seems brighter. At first there is hope, but it's only tunnel vision and in the end we become blinded by reality, and before you know it -
POOF! - Hope's gone. Over. But each day we get up - it's new, there's another possibility for hope; for change; for life to awe and inspire. I don't want to lose hope, and if I have already, I hope I can continue fooling myself that I have [hope] and how everything is good and okay, because really, that's all there is. Hope is all we have. There is no promise of tomorrow, that cannot be ensured by anyone, no matter how hard they, or you, try to convince. Can I be happy all the time? Is it possible? Aren't a range of emotions healthy for the heart, mind, body and soul? Don't they help us grow? Do individuals stop evolving at a point - is it under our control? Again, back to the programming/rewiring of the mind. Everything is moving so fast... [end]
Ah, to be a
twenty-something in search of the map she thought she had in her dash to tell her where the heck she's going down this dusty road. I thought things were going to be different; not better, not worse, just different... well, maybe a little better.
Y'know, I was talking with some friends about adulthood, and we were saying that it's okay to not know what we're doing right now because we're so young, and I said, "I don't think anyone knows what they're doing, they just make it look easier the longer they do it."
I'm going to be unemployed as of this Friday. I have a part-time serving job right now, but that's it. I'm scared, but at least I don't have a pet, child or mortgage... just student loans and
utility bills. It'll be okay. I'm resilient and resourceful - so I've been told. That's another thing, I've been told I'm going to
make it, that people
just know... it's coming. How come they feel it and I don't?
Oy vey! I wish I had some answers for myself, but all I keep coming up with are more questions. Am I doing the right things? Am I looking in all the wrong places? I wish I could just be pointed in the right direction... I thought that's why I came to Chicago, but it's been a year and I think I'm back to square one.
CHIN UP, CHARLIE!!! Are you saying that? I am too, as I type. Tomorrow's a new day, full of promise. And so we smile and step outside into the bright sunshine eager to see what's just around the corner...
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like how I ruined that?
