I like folk music

I wish I could remember all the things I thought about as I walked to work this morning. They were prolific and made me feel like I was going to get something accomplished today. Well, now I'm in the office and the feeling has worn off. My soul is sucked dry and it's only 11:30 on a Monday. Merh! Such has become my life, only because I let it. Talk to me at 5, and my opinions might've shifted - let's hope so.

I think I'm turning into a mean person. I don't mean to, but lately I feel like I've been rude/mean more often than not. I have no excuses for this.

Right now I'm reading this manifesto. I picked it up this past Fall in my college bookstore. A plain white book. Opened it up and it got straight to the point. Nestled inside was a red page with the same info as in the "manifesto" link above. I'm less than half-way through. I love it and then I hate it. The sentences make me cringe and break my heart. It's completely relatable, especially at this point in my life where I feel unsure of my actions. Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing enough? Am I setting myself up for success or complete failure? Where am I going? What am I doing? What's it all for? Who? Why? What else would I be doing? I want to travel overseas. I don't even have a passport. I want someone to take a chance on me. I need to take a chance. I feel very unsure with life choices right now.

I got old and restless. I had a sense of responsibility to develop. I had to respect my health.
I was romantic. I wanted to see the world. My life was dead. I wanted out. I wanted to live other lives, to live in a village in Mongolia, to see people that talked different, looked different, to walk in landscapes, to see what trees and fields looked like. I wanted to live in cities, to see traffic, hear loud voices, jackhammers pounding. I wanted to spend nights under bridges everywhere in America, not to have proper supplies, money for food, to walk on a roadside under hot sun and kick the dry filters of cigarettes. I wanted to go to other countries, to be in danger, unprepared, ignorant. I wanted to see what there was on this and every other planet.
....
On a damp and drear late afternoon in Idaho I huddled my knees and hugged myself below the crest of a hill. I said: "Fucking Idaho."

It's made for twenty somethings. As is this album. Neil Young. Mmm.

Lunchtime.

I just found this, things to think about... and I like it. Especially this drawing doodle.

-

Oh. And I had a friend over last night and we were listening to music and laughing and she said, in a semi-accusatory tone, "You really like folk music." And I said "excuse me?" And she repeated herself. Then I almost got defensive about it, but then I said, "I do. It's good. I like music with stories, and folk is usually good for that. You better not be judging me, I like a lot of other music, too." (this is paraphrased, of course.)

Hindsight is 20/20 and my Eyesight is Not...

I feel like this song captures the moment of my life right now, the clouds keep rollin' on in.It's always so much easier to look back on something and shake your head saying, "I was so foolish to have done it that way. Everything would've been so much easier had I taken a different course of action." Ah. Such is life. You live and you learn. Lately I feel like this has happened to me a lot. The majority of my days are filled with good decisions, or at least easily fixable bad ones... not so much the case right now.

I feel like the big city is eating me alive. Everyday it takes something from me. Money, CTA cards, my iPod, my bike, my sanity. I wonder if I can hack it, or if I'm fooling myself into waiting for the inevitable failure.

Yeah, my bike. My bike that my mother and step father gave to me as a college graduation present. My bike that was really nice and had a smooth ride and a comfy seat - I need to stop or I might cry. My Schwinn that I would say like "SCHWING!" I'm actually still reeling from the situation/realization that the world could be so cold and cruel as to take this thing from me. That's what I'm trying to remind myself, it's just a thing. Even if it was a really, really nice, expensive thing, that was a gift, that is something I won't be able to afford for months, and by then I won't be able to ride it because it'll be -20 degrees outside. It's just a thing. They didn't steal me, so that's good. This is why I can't have nice things. I don't take care of them. My mother frequently reminds me of this.

Here's what happened. Friday I rode my bike to work because it was supposed to be a beautiful day. The morning time was great, but the clouds rolled in by the time I was leaving the office, and as it's already terrifying to ride bikes downtown - what with the crazy motorists/peds, lack of bike lanes - I opted to take the train to Pitchfork instead of ridin' my bike. I planned to run downtown and pick it up Saturday morning, but it was still raining... also, with the rain and biking, I'd be afraid to fall. I saw someone fall while riding in the rain and they skidded about 15 feet - in the road, in traffic! It was frightening. I didn't want that to be me, so I said I'd do it Sunday. There was no time on Sunday - or was there? It'll be there Monday, I said. No worries. Monday, Monday, Monday. I walk to work, I see a bike chained up, I assume it's mine. No worries. Why didn't I ride it home Monday? Was it raining? No. Tuesday seems as good a day as any. I decided to work from home so I could do some serious apartment hunting (that's another thing that I'll get to in just a moment). I woke up without an alarm clock and it was glorious, geared up and went out for a run downtown to get my bike. It was only supposed to be a 4 mile run (to the office is actually 3.5, but I was going to ride my bike so it'd be gravy), but when I got to the bike rack I didn't see my bike.

Are you fucking kidding me?! Harry Potter, please stop having sex with my bike (super silly side-note; I feel bad for the guy because it was behind closed doors... a little awkward, yes, and seemingly impossible, but people have strange fetishes, I hope this isn't what happened to mine - it was very good-looking) and take off your invisibility cloak!!


I wanted to sit down and cry like a baby. I wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to be alright. I wanted to scream, FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! I wanted to shank a biker. I wanted to steal someone else's sweet ride.

Running home I felt like all the bikers were mocking me. Oooh! Look what I have. Oooh! I'm going so much faster than you. Oooh! Look at me fly by on my wheels, and look at your stupid feet. 7-8 miles, a good training day, but I really wanted to ride my bike.

I was hoping I was wrong. I hoped that I would come to work today and I would see it. I didn't. My friend told me that abandoned bikes get picked up by the city and I should call them... I don't have the serial number that I know of, but I figured that I could describe it to them and if they have it, I could search the mess of my room for something with something claiming my ownership on it. Sheesh!

I can't tell my mother either. I wanted to when I talked to her yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to it. One, because she would say, "What were you thinking?" and I would say, "I wasn't" and she would say, "That's right." And she would use my full name when talking to me, and I would know that meant she was disappointed with me, and she would say, "You've been doing this [not thinking] since you were a little girl. Remember when..." And I would sigh, say "I know, I know!" and get sad and eventually angry, but mostly sad because I feel like life keeps punching me in the stomach.

One good thing happens and then, like, 12 bad things follow. Not really, but it feels that way.

For instance, my friend was talking about her child-self thinking that becoming an "adult" was some sort of destination where there'd be a party saying, "YAY! You made it!" And I said, I'm still waiting for that surprise party. I think it'll happen with my next promotion. Everyone on the street will know and they'll jump up and down and dance as confetti rains from the sky. And there will be people walking around on stilts, handing out balloons and caramel apples. And everyone will rush up to me with flowers and gold and they'll say, "You made it! We're so glad you're here! Look at all these wonderful things you've done, just think about what's to come!" And they'll hoist me up on their shoulders and sing, Hip hip, hoorah!! Until the sun goes down, and then the crowd will disperse and we'll wave into the distance until we are all but mere specks on the horizon.
That hasn't happened yet, and all the time I feel like this is in front of me, but they're running away - because I'm not at that place in my life yet, I'm still struggling everyday - turning the corner right before I turn the one before. I see a flash of confetti here, a disappearing stilt there, but it's nothing big, and then I get the wind knocked out of me because I get blind sighted by the glitz and glimmer of the present moment, thinking about one thing too much then everything else builds up to bad and tsunamis me.

I did find an apartment that I really like, though. It was good, a 2-bedroom (1100) so I would need to find a roomie (550 + utilities would make 650-ish each - ah-nice!). The only problems, and these are slightly big... the entrance is in on the side, in between 2 buildings - kind of creepy, I would need to invest in some mace and have super fast unlocking skillz. Also, when the landlord was walking me out I noticed there was a note on the door from a tenant that reminded the other tenants to lock the door because a "trespasser" was found in the basement the other week. Well, well, well. That's just wonderful. So, I'll have a nice house but there's potential for me to be murdered while I sleep... maybe they were peaceful, just looking for a dry place to sleep, or nunchucks.
Also, the laundry machines were $2 a pop - OUTRAGEOUS!, but there is a laundromat right on the next block... I think I'm going to take it. I'm getting desperate, and hey! Maybe it won't be that bad. I think I'm going to take it.

A who's a what?

Oh. I thought I was going to Feist's show at Ravinia tonight with some friends, but alas, the show has been sold out since her birth. Drat! I'm actually kind of glad. Don't get me wrong, I think it will be a great concert for those in attendance, but I wasn't looking forward to rushing through my after-work routine... I didn't run last night because of the SOCK PUPPET WORKSHOP (which I'll post about perhaps this afternoon - still need to do Olaf and Jersey Boys) and then it was raining and I didn't feel like getting wet, and this morning it was still raining at 5am and I thought it would be delightful to get another hour of sleep. Soooo, I need to do that this evening (even brought my gear with me - crap! I didn't grab the right sports bra!! - maybe I'll stop off at Fleet Feet Sports after work b/c I have a $25 credit and I do need new shoes, too and I have a check to deposit -- sidenote within a sidenote, I really need to start wearing socks with my boat shoes because I can smell them, my feet, and I'm sitting in a chair with my feet on the floor - grossssssssssssssss). Also now I can go to the Art Institute if I feel like it, and I just may. And my friend Mariko suggested a girls night out or BBQ or something fun, so yay!

I can't wait to drink some beers and play my guitar after work!! Merh! I have to do laundry, too. And I need to get a haircut... and make doctor's appointments since I'm paying a RIDICULOUSLY high amount for health insurance... Pops! What plan'd'ya put me on that's charging [ME because I'm an independent adult who wishes her parents were still footing the bill of life] $470 a quarter!!?!?!?! INSANE! So I must get my dollars worth... ahhh, but to find a good doctor in this huge city and making appointments is not something I'm looking forward to. At all. I wish I had a free personal assistant... otherwise known as a slave (because I wouldn't be paying them, DOIY!) but without the negative connotations.

I was a grown-up last night and did my first round of student loan payments. I didn't like that. The consolidation still hasn't gone through, another thing I have to do today that I probably won't. And I need some of these apartment people to call me back and let me know when I can see my potential future home. Oh geez! Oh geez!

I just want to take a nap. It's really quiet in the office right now and I don't feel like doing work. Surprise. Surprise. I've only done 2 profiles as of right now. An assisted living community in historic New Bern, NC and a delightful dentist in Naples, FL. Now I'm working on a deep sea fishing charter boat company in Naples, FL. I can crank out 1-5 in an hour and we only have to write 9 a day, so it's not a worry.


How about this guy? Dangerous. This fishing boat company that I'm working on right now has a dolphin on it's webpage and it made me think of Flipper. And I wanted to see a picture of Flipper, so I googled it. I found a picture of two boys talking to a dolphin (I wonder what they would talk about... probably something like that crazy Scottish story with the seal as a Silkie that steals the girl and takes her off the cliff, under the water to live in his kingdom with her forever and ever, maybe they would talk about that, and the dolphin would say that he would never trick anyone into living under water, but then he does, and he just said that to gain the boys trust and distract them from the other dolphin coming up behind them with an ethanol soaked rag, or the dolphin in the picture with the laser) and it made me think of the Simpsons Halloween episode where the dolphins invade land and over-rule the humans with their incredible sea smarts. So I searched for that, and I found this picture... fiction becomes fact and I think it's a bad idea to give the dolphins weapons, as I'm sure that as soon as we do they will congregate and take matters into their own hands. Not a good idea, Army. Not a good idea. The picture taken immediately after this one most likely shows the man's decapitated body with a smoke cloud where the head should be. Almost as ridiculous as the sharks with lasers on their heads. How about that? Mike Myers' is a central creator for our defense system. Neat. I wonder what's going to come out of the Love Guru.