Cream Colored Ponies & Crisp Apple Streudels

I want to share some online dating stories with you, as my time with match.com is coming a close. Hmm. I must say it's been an interesting experience.

Let's start off with my profile.


This section is entitled, "About me and who I'm looking for":


I'm fun! Friends tell me I'm jolly (no, not like Santa, I won't stuff your socks with M&Ms and candy canes), that I'm a great conversationalist, an excellent singer (let's karaoke... if we happen to hit it off virtually, then hang out, and stumble drunkenly past a rowdy song-singing crowd in a bar -- you can't really plan some things), and ya know, my mom says I have a pretty smile.

I enjoy running and being active, next big race is Chicago Marathon 2008. Just moved back to the big city [in March], and I'd like a fun guy to do some more explorin'/dancin' with.

I love things that make me happy, and these include, but are not limited to: music (in the genre of awesomeness), family, friends, museums, sunshine, funny homeless people, hats, eye patches, soft beards, monkeys throwing feces, botanical gardens, lakefronts, picnic tables, ridiculously fast walks turning into runs in order to catch that crazy CTA, reading McSweeney's online, or wasting hours upon hours on craigslist, holding hands - with or without the sweaty palms, depends on other things, laughing - wow, I love laughin' and could laugh until forever.

I'm pretty awesome, did I already say that? I am. Occasionally I judge people, but only in a hilarious manner, not hurtful - life is hard enough as it is. I can't believe I'm doing this right now. Did I say that? And, for the record, I'm not speaking as I'm typing, I'm using "did I say" in the figurative sense, I guess.

Do you love games - of all kinds? Backgammon, mancala, Cranium, and so on.

I tend to ramble, occasionally. Amelie is a fav movie of mine; do you like subtitles, or are you willing to try? Enjoying LOST is a semi-must, it's fun... And music, anything from Miles Davis to LCD Soundsystem to Devendra Banhart to Billy Joel and Janis Joplin, MGMT to Foo Fighters, The Beatles, Buddy Holly, Wilson Pickett, The Black Keys, Arcade Fire...

I'm going to Rothbury this summer, and I'm going to make Snoop Dogg my best friend. True story.

On a you note, you should be awesome, as well. I have slightly high standards and I don't want no dorkus. Number one, there's no need to rush things. Maybe in meeting we could just pick a general area and then happen upon each other in the street, "Oh! Hey you. Didn't expect to see you here." And we could go from there. I'm still semi-kicking myself for jumping into the online dating pool. Fact: I was drunk and feeling lonely when I signed up, but now it seems like a lot of work, too, and I kind of want to go back to the old fashioned way but I'm here for another two months with that contract. Last time I bought something online when I was intoxicated, Taxi - seasons 1-3, it turned out to be a great thing and an entertaining summer, indeed. I thought this would be, too. Hmm. Just throwing that out there for you. Just so you know, ya know?

If you have a dog that might seal the deal for me. If you're artsy and you wear cool glasses, and you like reading Savage Love over eggs and coffee, that, too, might seal the deal. If you like going to concerts/festivals and plays, have never been to the opera but are interested in checking that out, and own a bicycle, do send me a wink or a message. Let's get this ball a rolling.


This sidebar area is called, "In my own words" (each is limited to 250 characters):

First section,
for fun:

I like havin' a good time, y'know? Dancin' down the street like a dingledoodie, playin' my blue guitar, or attemptin' (whatev you wanna call it). Watchin' the show Taxi, on DVD. Running.

Second,
my job:
Finding a use for my Writing for Performance degree, with a minor in Sociology... not all businesses are jumping at the chance to hire me. Damn you and your disillusions, American Dream! I shake my fist at you! For now, I gots myself a temping gig.

Third,
my ethnicity:
My family is from Nebraska, but before that, Europe. My father's ancestors have a museum dedicated to them, being Germans from Russia and all. Also, Swedish, Irish, Scottish, English... I'm a American-European mutt.

Fourth,
my religion:
We are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is.

Fifth,
my education:
In a few years (after I pay off my undergrad loans) I'd like to go back to get an MFA in writing of some sort.

Sixth,
favorite hot spots:
I love this city, and pretty much everything about it. Cheap 'n good eats that serve alcohol are among my favs. New York City is phenomenal, and one day I will live there when I'm a bazillionaire. America is grand, in general. I love road trips.

Seventh,
favorite things:
I love running, blading and biking by the lake, or I guess I could walk, too. If Ann Sather were still alive I would've stolen her and locked her in my basement years ago, so I could have fresh cinnamon rolls and eggs benedict every morning. Yum!

Eighth to end it,
last read:
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close was one, and also The Bell Jar. I enjoy Dave Eggers and Sedaris, whoaeewow. Vonnegut, my hero, I cried when he died, first celebrity mourning of my life. Tom Wolfe. J Kerouac. Considering dropping Dostoevsky for fun.


And that's me, or so I tell the internet folks. No, no, no. I think it's pretty true to form. And in my pictures I'm wearing facial hair (drawn or strung on), hats, eye patches, Halloween costumes, and playing guitar on stage.


Story: when I rewrote to what you just read above, I had to call the customer service because the online system was saying there was something wrong with my content and that it couldn't be published. I was talking to the lady, and I said, "I just don't know what I did wrong. I didn't curse or give directions to my home." And so she said she would read it. I sat on the phone and listened to her breathing, and occasionally there would be a giggle - it was a little awkward, I almost wished she would've put me on hold. After she finished she said, "I don't see nothing wrong with it, and I thought it was very entertaining!" Then she told me that she approved it and wished me luck. Kind lady.


'Nother one. This is probably something I shouldn't be doing, as it was personal info... but it was personal to me, and apparently I know no boundaries, and this made my stomach growl from laughing so much (esp. the last line):

"I absolutely loved, loved your profile... I was cracking up crazy reading your profile and boy, your pictures with beard and moustache and funny faces, oh my stomach hurts. Did you hear that growl in my stomach, it really hurts laughing this hard.

You are really good in writing funny and you probably should write screenplays for comedy movies..." It went on, but that's not pertinent information to this conversation, er, um, post. Comedy movie writer, another goal of mine! It is, really. Maybe I'm delusional, but I like to think I have a smidgen of skill that I think I could build upon with the proper education and training.


Last one, and then I'm done.

Can we say, awkward?:

"not sure we have a lot in common, but i will say i loved your profile " and that was it. So, um. Thanks?


Wow. Maybe one day I'll write a short story about my experience. Or incorporate online dating into a play, or sketch, or something genius. Memories... light the corners of my mind... misty watercolor memoooooories...

I will say that I met some great guys, though most didn't work. I think I'm too awkward in first encounters, especially in meeting under pressure. I get really nervous. I shake. I sweat. I drink too much to calm myself. I say incredibly stupid things that as soon as they leave my mouth I want to grab them out of the air and push them back in before they hit his ears. Darn! Also, like I've mentioned before, I'm incredibly busy and important and I'm always doing things, and when I'm not doing things (which is rare) I don't want to be doing things and I sit, or sleep, or practice my guitar, or write. Plus, I consider myself semi-decent with relationships (family, friends, 'cause there has not been long-term romance in my life for a loooooooooooooooong time), not good, not bad, but decent-ish... swaying into the bad because sometimes I don't return phone calls for days. And I just don't know how I feel about letting more people into my life and having to make time for them because I barely have enough time for myself and my loved ones already in my circle... maybe if I could find a really incredible guy that doesn't do much... eh, but then he'd probably just be boring. LIFE!

I'm just going to start walking around with books in my hand, looking at the ground and hope that someone perfect knocks me down and helps me back up. We'll bank on that for about a month.

And y'know, I don't mind being single, but then sometimes it really sucks. Like those days that the happiest couples in the world find out where you're going to be, and then they stand in your way, holding hands and making plans for buying dogs and renting space together. So when that happens I walk past them and imagine myself knocking the girl down, swooping in on the guy with a dip-kiss or just humping his leg, then pushing him down too and sprinting away. It makes me happy for about 3 minutes.

I need to get back to work, but don't worry! I was really productive this morning and I'm sure I'll post about my boat trip or Jersey Boys (and yesterday in general) later this afternoon. Gotta get numbers in (on the blog - do I really have a blog?! That's weird. Sometimes I just do things without thinking. My Mom tells me this is a problem I've had since I was a baby. I need to see for myself, yes?) because I'll be gone until Monday, dance, dance, dancin'!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOO!

Also, my headline is, "I'd like to marry all of my close friends and live in a big house together by an angry sea." Duh. Of Montreal. Duh. I'm seeing them on Saturday? DUH! I'M SO EXCITED!!!

You Don't Know What It's Like

I had my first "first date" with a match "dot" commer last night. Oh boy. He was late, by 15 minutes. I thought I was being stood up, it was an awful feeling, and I drank 2 beers in the time I waited... first beer averaged 4.32 minutes, and the second lasted up to 11 minutes. I finished and I was just about ready to get up and go, and he walked in the door, wiping the sweat from his brow. We shook hands (I didn't know what to do! ha) and he explained that he parked 7 blocks away, thinking the place we were meeting was somewhere else... hmmm. Likely story, sir. Anyway, it was interesting. He was handsome and I was slightly distracted/staring most of the evening. Oops! He's 26, smart, seemingly has everything together. We had some pretty good conversations throughout the evening. Talking about livin' life, family, the "good" hipsters vs. the "bad" hipsters, books, music, crazy things that happen in cities... like cougars in Roscoe Village

--sidenote: on Sunday, in Lincoln Park's park, two guys that were playing frisbee with one of my friends came over to talk to us (they couldn't resist the ladies) and we discussed the cougar with them, as well. At first we were wondering, why would anyone own a cougar. And, if they did, and they realized it was gone, they probably thought, Oh shit! But then, the one guy in the black shirt was saying that the cougar traveled all the way from North Dakota, and we joked that he was on a revenge trip. Picked up a scent of someone who camped on the cougar's turf and traveled onward to Roscoe Village, Chicago, where he was maliciously gunned down. 18 bullets!! Wicki-wicki-what?! Black shirt made a joke that Rookie Mike needed some shooting practice - good times. --

and other things of social importance. Anyway, we had a few beers, laughed, and spun on the swivel chairs. Then, he started getting yawny around 11, and I made fun of him for having a "real job." We left the bar, he was walking that way to his car, and I said, "Hey. My bike's right here." There were a buncha people outside, and it was a real awkward good-bye, I didn't know whether to shake his hand or hug him... we did the polite thing and said we enjoyed each other's company. Which I did. I wasn't lying, he's a beautiful and interesting guy, but a little too serious for me - he was really well spoken, too. Which isn't a bad thing at all, but then I would talk about some book I'm reading, say "The Idiot" by Dostoevsky and I would fumble over all my words, sprinklin' "like"s and "um"s all over the place. If my step mother were there (that would be weird, number 1) she would've had a conniption and I would've rolled my eyes at her. Rolling eyes, weird. I just did it, and it kind of hurt, my left eye closed a little with the roll, too. I don't think I'll be doing that again - rolling eyes, not dates... I've got more of those lined up, which is really stressful to tell you the truth.

Whoa, I just had a lightbulb! What if I end up getting into a relationship with one of these guys that I'm talking smack on, and one day we happen to talk about the fact that I have a blog and he checks it out and gets offended. Let me just say, "Hey, baby. I didn't know then that I would love you soooooo much now. I'm glad we're where we are now. Let the past stay where it is... in the past." Smile.

I had a pretty wonderful day today. I slept in, well, I tried, but then I woke up to my phone. Groggily I answered, feigning alertness, and it was someone from some place asking if I was interesting in a sales position job... making 500-700 calls a week. "Um, no thanks." Then, I played some guitar, gchatted for a bit, hopped on my bike, rode to the lake, ran for a bit, hopped back on my back and rode home. Then, I putzed around my apartment for a bit. ANNNNND THEN!! I got a call from this temping agency that I applied with yesterday(!) for an interview on Tuesday - the position would involve writing blurbs for businesses on some search site, or something - sounds like fun, and it's a temp. foot in the door in the "real world" of jobs. Also, I have a phone interview for an admin assistant in Lincolnwood, but I forgot what the company is... important thing to know, and I'll find out tomorrow. So, fun things all around.

Now, I must go and get ready for a concert. I need to drink some coffee or something, I'm feeling a tad sleepy. WAKE UP! Alright, kids.

Peace.

Hot dog!!

Alright, alright, alright. I've got marathon numero dos under my belt - mmm! how about that?! Oh yeah! I was overzealous in wanting to get under 4 hours. Let's see. I started out, 6:56am, jogging in place in the middle of the large crowd, behind the 9:10 pacing group. A woman behind me was talking about how she needed to retie her shoes so she wouldn't have to stop once she started running. Oh! Good idea. So, I bend down, 6:57, unlace the strings on my left shoe - one in each hand - and the crowd starts moving. My heart starts racing, and I'm moving 20 paces on my knees, in the middle of 1,000s of people, fearing that I'm going to be trampled!! Run a pace, try to tie, run, try to stand, can't let go of the strings or I'm going to trip. Wow. It was scary. Then, it just stopped - like magic. Magic! I tied my shoe. Popped up, and some jackass behind me said, "Ha ha ha! I thought you were going to have to run the whole race on your knees." Yeah, you're real funny sir. No.

Oh, it was a beautiful morning - couldn't have asked for better weather. The race started down market street, under this giant American flag billowing in the wind, towards the Arch. What a sight, and a mass of moving people. The first 10 were amazing, running with the pacing group, we did anywhere from 8:30 to 9:20 minute miles, then the half marathoners turned around and the badasses remained. There was this new sense of camaraderie in the air, runners cheering/motivating each other. People telling their running stories. I have to admit, I didn't feel as into it as last year, something seemed missing. I kept up with 'em until after 13, then I fell behind a little bit, then a little more. I only allowed myself to walk through the water stations, and after mile 20 at the mile markers. My knees started getting sore, then my hips. No bueno. I think I started too fast. When I run long distances I tend to go slower - I expended too much, too soon. So, I was a little disappointed in myself, just because I was really hoping for that sub-4. It was hard to get past that, especially when the 4:10 group passed me. Bummer man, missing my last year's time. But, I have to remind myself that I ran a marathon, some people can't do that. Also, I trained longer than last year, did an 18 the Sunday before the race, which could've had some affect on my performance. Some crazy lady I ran with for a bit was talking about how she ran a marathon the Sunday before - that's pure insanity. Why? What would ever possess you? Then, when we were talking about that, some lady fell. Straight up fell, hands/knees scraped, but she got right back up, kept moving - hardcore. Wow. I totally sprinted like a mad woman at the end, just wanted to be done. Today I was reading my Runner's World and it said something about that, and how I didn't push myself hard enough during the race if I was able to step it up so much. I shouldn't beat myself up about all this stuff, but rather learn from it for the next race. Chicago Marathon, October '08!! I'm stoked. Flat land, thank goodness! So, serious training for that will begin at the end of May. Yes! I can't wait for summer in the city! Cool cat looking for a kitty. Meow!

Exciting news! I chopped my hair off today - I really did it!! 12 inches, adios, farewell, they're gone and in a bag in my purse. I mail it off to Locks of Love, tomorrow. So, I need to stop writing and start preparing all the shit I need to get done before I go into work. And, this is a bummer, I feel something ichy in my throat. No! I will not get sick! Damnit!! I took some Airbourne, and I like E-mer-genC way better. What else. Oh, my friend Erin and I went to Neo-Futurists tonight, and we saw this show "Unitards" (about HS retards wanting to wrestle) and it was hilarious, reminded me of "Strangers with Candy" in the sense of being an after school special, it was raunchy and wrong on so many levels, so duh! I loved it. Okay, seriously. Later, gator. Peace, love and sexual healing.

Speaking of, I'm - wow, I can't even believe I did it... I signed up and made a profile on match.com. Yeah, I know. I don't know, I'm going to give it a try. I'm lonely, and maybe I'll find someone... it could be fun. I was just playing around with it at first, and then I came home last night, slightly intoxicated and feeling sad, so I wrote a belligerent biography and put up some silly photos. So far, I've had some serial-killerish/lame ass guys message me, but there are some attractive ones... I don't know how to go about introducing myself to delicious men, and then if I ever would, they're either married, dating or gay... maybe even not interested, but what? Why? I'm pretty fucking phenomenal, I think. I hope. I'm witty and clever, and I have impeccable tastes. Tell your single sexy man friends living in the Chicagoland area.