In-a-pro-priate!!!!

Which is almost like "in a pro pirate"... doesn't that sound sexy? I don't know what it could mean, but it's damn sure sexy. Speaking of sexy, this post will totally be un-sexy. Just a forewarning to you horny readers out there... you may never feel sexual again. Ever. Never ever, like Peter Pan, you'll be stuck in a land of make and dis-belief.

The following is copied/pasted and slightly edited to protect the few, sad souls who had to experience my roommate's bi-polarity (perhaps) with me.

The email subject line was, "An electric green dildo, with HUGE balls." Or maybe it was "big", whatever, they were large and frightening...

That's right, ladies. I said it, and God help me do I need to vent!!I'm about a centimeter and a mile past the point of shaving off my eyebrows!! Can you bear with me for a little disturbing verbal account of what raped my eyes earlier this afternoon? If not, skip the following paragraph until you see me begin rambling about match.com, mmkay?! Wow. Okay, I don't know where to begin, as some of you have already heard my bitching and moaning about my living situation - and, for the record, it is completely justified. Let's see. Craigslist totally set me (and my other roommate- b/c she's normal) up with the craziest, most unstable person, ever! EVER, EVER, EVER!!!! I am soooooo angry!!! (And I don't know what music to listen to right now to egg on my mood-- Pandora's Daniel Johnston station just might do the trick....)

Okay, so number one, he's filthy. Like beyond all reason, beyond anything I've ever encountered before. He's disrespectful in the aspect that he never cleans up after himself, and if he's cooking, he doesn't wipe the goop off his hands before he smears them all over the cabinets. So, in the morning, when I reach for the silverware drawer to retrieve a spoon (for oatmeal, not cereal, b/c cereal costs over $4 in this city. Note to future visitors, bring me some cereal if you plan on staying with me) I close a fist on god only knows what, but it's slimy, or sometimes crusty and flakes into my palm... umm, I thank whatever deity you choose, that I don't have to share a bathroom with him. He's still hocking his loogies, but it's not as frequent now that the weather's turning warm. URRRRRRRRGH!! He never gets the mail/takes out the trash/locks the door when he comes home (so we'll only be raped/robbed/murdered by our building neighbors, b/c there's an outside door, too, and that automatically locks... if it's closed). He took the living area TV into his room one drunken night, right before my DVR setting for Chris Walken's appearance on SNL - so I REALLY did not, NOT appreciate that! And you all heard about the night, a couple Wednesdays ago, when I came home from work and he stumbled out of his room, musing too see if I would accompany him in a drink. Old Style, ew. No thanks. But the point is, he was drinking (drunkenly) all by himself, and he had all these awful notes about himself tacked to theoutside(!) of his door (hello, cry for help!) "Life is one big circle jerk" ok... "His name, you suck. You're a waste of a soul" "You don't deserve to live" schizo. "Failure" "Obsolete" on and on and on...okay, I know he's going through some rough times, but there are other ways to deal with things, brother! Oh wait, so he was "celebrating" the fact that he hadn't touched a woman in 15 months, saying he was disgusting, who would touch him (I agree, but I didn't tell him that) and that if he had some courage he would swallow a bullet. Stop! Right now! I yelled at him, saying I never wanted to hear him say that again, b/c really? Are you serious? What's that going to solve? Then, he said he wishes he could be gay... I'm pretty sure gay men have higher standards than women, so that's probably not going to work out so well for him. This story recounting has become more bitter since the actual incident because I despise this man - that's right folks,this shit head is 24, almost 25, and I'm surprisingly more mature than him. He slept (before his mother, bat shit crazy, too, came into town and bought him a big nice bed that's going to be a bitch to move out) on a un-sheeted mattress on the floor, stained most likely with his piss and vomit... there are smears/punches in his walls, a broken window. Hey! You might say to yourself right now, Hey, Kate! Tell your landlord, take some pictures as proof! Yeah, I've done those things, the landlord is afraid he could be sued... I'm kind of afraid I might be murdered. So thanks, sir. Thank you. Where was I in my rant? Oh yeah, and there is pizza, and milk, and dirty dishes, and broken bottles, all over the floor. Our house smells because of his room, and it's a really nice house!! And he makes it suck! Most recently, he drinks lady roomie's beers, my milk - without refilling either, he kept uncapped milk in the fridge which I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally wanted to throw on him, and then punch him repeatedly. I'm not an angry person guys, I was, but I'm trying to get past that point in my life, that point called adolescence and being a grounded teenager who couldn't goto the "drinking parties" in high school, as my mother so eloquently called them.

New paragraph, cause that one is big.... deep breath. Oh, and shoes in the freezer! FREEZER! SHOES! Yeah, you read that right. It's okay to laugh. I did, too. Granted it was a maniacal laugh as if I were going insane, and I feel like I am. I don't feel like I should have to move,#1 b/c I'm not the crazy one in this situation, #2 b/c moving's a bitch, and #3, I have a really sweet set-up and an orgasmic view of the city!! Orgasmic. I go outside and stand on my balcony when I'm lonely. He needs to live alone, or go back home. He has to be bi-polar, or something... he's on all sorts of meds, and he just needs help!! Then, today. Icing, man. Icing. I shouldn't have gone in his room, but there was a blanket in the living room that's been there for too long, and it was on my chair, and I thought it was his b/c his mom used it the other week. So, I went in his room to put it back. Then, I saw my grinder (which I let him borrow a month ago, when I stopped smoking, that's rightf olks... well, Saturday night was a party people exception, but other than that it's been... 3, 4 weeks? I'm losing count that's how long!!) on his bookshelf, and I went to get it, but I was stopped in my tracks, frozen with fear, when I noticed (besides all the food, drinks, dirty plates, and crumbs in his bed that he sleeps with -- and he rarely showers!! Maybe once a week, twice if he has to work, and then he doesn't always towel dry, but wears his clothes while dripping wet -I've seen it, and it was scary) a BIG BALLED, ELECTRIC GREEN, RUBBER DILDO AMONGST THE FILTH!!! Okay, y'know. I don't think I was bothered so much by the fact that he had a dildo (I don't want to know about it!). I've never known a straight man that has, well, maybe I know those men, but I've never seen them... b/c usually people keep them, oh say, in a drawer, under their pillow, or something, but it was there, staring at me. In the grime of his life, EW! EW!! EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! I wanted to puke and die, and even if it's a joke from a friend (if he has them) that vision is burned, BURNED sooooo deeply into my brain, that I, no matter how many sleeping pills I take, and wine I drink, it will not be removed. I'm at a loss. Lady and I decided that we're having a roomie meeting Sunday afternoon (he doesn't have to work) to tell him to "shape up, or ship out" but now, I'm convinced that he won't shape up, and he has to ship out. Also, another thing the landlord said, (as I explainedthe severity of the situation, he said Ray paid rent and he can't kick him out...) is that we tell Ray he can either move out on his own, or we're going to have the whole apartment sublet... so basically he has to leave on his own, or will be forced... but the bogus thing, is we will too... I'm bummed. I hope he man's up and leaves, but I don't think he has a heart or a conscience, so that won't work. Damn. WOW! Lot's of ranting, eh? Hey, it's good writing material. I could probably say a lot more, maybe I'll write a play, or a book about how to deal in these horrific times... hmm.

SIDE NOTE! DAMNIT! Lady just got a really great job offer in San Fran, and has an interview at the end of this month... I'm so gonna, maybe have to move. FUCK A DUCK!!

If only I could have this kind of success that I'm experiencing at match.com in my professional searchings. I will work for Oprah, even if her website doesn't want me to, "Server Error" uh huh, whatever. So, either tomorrow or Friday, I'm going to march over to Harpo Productions and hand my resume to her, myself. And it will be magic, or it might take magic for that to happen, in which case I will have to send for Megadeath man.

So, all in all. Chicago is wonderful. I've got a lot highs and lows happening, so it's like a really crazy acid trip, pretty much... every second of my life. And, I could be giving myself stomach bleeding b/c I take Advil PM almost every night, probably should switch to Simply Sleep, or get "Dr." Jose to write me a prescription for Lunesta, or Ambien. Alright, lovers. Keep on doing like you do, and drop me a line all about you! Or call, cause that's fun, too!

Peaches and ice cream topped with love (but not for lunch, a couplehours before a run - bad combo for the digestive tract)....

NEWS FLASH... got really drunk last night, called my mom, told her about living situation, and she got upset, told me to call our lawyer friend in the city... cause, it's just a bad situation. Oh, and Filthy just came home... knocked on my door, coming by all friendly, "Hey. How you doin'?" and I'm being all sour and short to him in return... he makes me feel crazy when he's feelin' good about his life, and I asked him about the shoes in the FREEZER and he said it kills the bacteria, and I said, "Oh" and he says, "Do you not want me to do that?" And I said, "No! No, I don't want you to do that." And he says, "Done. All you have to do is ask. Anything else?" And it took every inch of me not to shake him and yell, "Just stop being gross, and stop living here! And stop eating my food and drinking drinks that aren't yours!! And act like a man, not a little baby with mental issues." Instead I said, "No. Not right now. I'm busy, writing an email." But I lied, b/c I'm doing this. Telling the world about his home life.... well, I guess that's all for now. Oh yeah, and I'm putting Oprah off until Monday, really get my stuff together, dress up my "hire me" documents to impress the hell outta her. Alright, I'm going to maybe go do something productive. AHHHHHH! HE JUST HOCKED ANOTHER LOOGIEEEE!!! I'm going to lose my mind. Oh wait, yeah, and even if we decide to move out, it's going to cost a month's rent for them to sublet for us, I believe their reasoning was that they're tired of doing paperwork. Really guys, really? Because I thought that was your job. Oh, and... no. I'm going to stop now, because I might lose it if I continue on this stream of thought.